Life moves so quickly, passing one by without allowing room for breath. And when one does inhale again one finds that all that was known has all but disappeared in the folds of time. Another Ramadan has passed me by, and this one was an oppertunity wasted. Another year has passed, and I find my self reading my words, still feeling those very sentiments (well excluding the first few posts on this blog).
Much has occurred since my last post, but at the same time nothing has changed. By the grace of Allah swt I have been able to return overseas to continue my studies (I went home for the Southern Winter), but I am not enjoying it. The place I am in fills me with loathing and brings the very worst in me to the surface. I cannot wait to move onto the next place - but then I'll still be taking myself with me. I wish I could find a way to disassociate myself from me, but I can't work out just who I am. I still feel lost. Waiting. Wanting. Longing for things that are not mine to be had. When I think of these things my heart fills with sadness. I recognise someone lost, but know of know way to find that direction. Its not a religion thing. Its a "who am I" thing. Who am I? What defines me? What do I want? I see nothing. I am not individual. There is nothing that makes me "different" from anyone else. There is no definition. I feel formless but bound by something I can't see - can only feel. Am I speaking of the ruh? Do I lack the skill and intelligence to figure this out. I've been thinking on it for many months now. If you ask me who I am - I'll tell you I don't know.
Today was Eid. Subhan'allah it was truely a day of blessings. Al-hamdoulillah I made it to the masjid for the prayer and afterwards, everyone (I mean everyone - native, foreigner, guest and resident) hugged, kissed, spread the eid greetings and truely wished well for each other for the sake of Allah swt. There were about 60women in that masjid, and every single one waited to greet everyone else. No one ran away. No one seperated into their little cliques - as happens at home. It was something I may never experience again and I loved it. Islam.
Myself and the other single sisters had a delicious pancake breakfast afterwards which was followed by sleep. But upon waking I felt dull. Empty. Like there was something missing. Me?
I don't know how to communicate what it is.
XH has remarried (actually it was a couple of months ago now). Al-hamdoulillah that makes me happy and I truely hope from the bottom of my heart that it works out for him. I often wonder if I will remarry. How I would be able to trust someone. Find someone who could stand up to being all I needed them to be. I don't have a strict criteria - there are many things that don't even cross my mind. But what I do want is hard to find. And to be honest, I don't know if I really want it. There have been oppertunities, but I pass them all up. They are not the answer. Its not my time. Subhan'allah. Where am I and how do I navigate away from this loss of everything I am or thought I was? Why am I taking so long to find a path?
Oh how time only brings us nearer to our ultimate destiny - and how ignorant we are of that end. Subhan'allah.